CLASSIC CARPENTER TRASH

Story about a car killer is just one of those scripts that Carpenter built his career on, so the ’’Christine’’ fits in his portfolio like a glove.

All the elements of the ’80s trash horror will be there, poor acting, lame plots and some fine movie aesthetics as well.

However, the bad elements will overcome the good ones and not in a good manner, leaving this flick as one of the weaker ones legendary John signs.

Even if you are a 1957 Plymouth Belvedere fan, „Christine’’ won’t be a decent horror.

CHRISTINE – 3/10

FOTO: www.coolridesonline.net

WAY TO GO (!)

When first part of the high budget modern trashy interpretation of „War of the worlds”, crashed directly on the DVD/online movie community, the impressions were pretty much positive.

Although in a lower level of cast, „Skyline” showed decently tense and hidden story, accompanied by some pretty good CGI and action sequences. With its very ending it offered less answers then it gave and the story about the advanced alien race that kidnap thousands of people to get their brains had to continue.

And it did, and did it by raising the level of trash to the level of parody. High end budget was there one again, as well as the C-level cast, but the script was the one that evolved beyond any predictions.

Not only do the aliens use human brains to drive their slave army of soldiers, they also do not manage to control every single brain they collect. When one of those brains in one of those soldier’s bodies manages to save his pregnant girlfriend that gives birth to a very special little girl, the hunt for the key of the survival of the entire human race begins.

And it leads us to Laos, crossing the paths with lead stars of the Indonesian martial art masterpiece, „Raid: Redemption”, paving the way to the ultimate standoff between aliens with blue brains, aliens with red brains and mankind at Angkor Wat.

„Beyond Skyline” is one of the finer examples of modern day Hollywood trash SF-horrors and deserves to be recognized as such.

BEYOND SKYLINE – 7/10

FOTO: cdn-static.denofgeek.com

BIGGER, BETTER, STRONGER

Concept of sharknados hitting the big screen every year may just the ultimate answer to the Hollywood’s decaying scriptwriting, baring its helplessness to the bone with each new Ian Ziering’s cheap C-production long feature.

After a couple of hickups in the franchize, the final installment is just bigger, better and funnier than any of the other four previous ones.

Production is now steadily growing at an even pace, while the trademark hilarious scriptwriting just keeps getting better and better. NATOnado, Shark-God, Stonehenge, British queen, Rio, Tokyo, Pope, Sharkzilla and ultimately, time travelling with the biggest and baddest of all the cameos at the very end will just make laugh your heart out and spit in the face of modern Hollywood.

„Global swarming” is the biggest, best and strongest of all the Ian Ziering’s hillarious stories about sharks as weather phenomena.

SHARKNADO 5: GLOBAL SWARMING – 8/10

FOTO: ewedit.files.wordpress.com

CLASSIC TRASH

Walter Hill knew how to direct an action movie and an tense one as well.

Story about the group of National guardsmen stranded deep into the marshes of the American south will give us all the basic elements of a Vietnam war movie without having a real conflict in sight. Some great moments of prejudice and racism will also enrich the plot, however trashy it may be from the beginning to the very end.

As for the acting, all the b-movie stars from the ’70s and ’80s will be there, as well as the similar production.

„Southern comfort” is a solid piece of b-production action from some past decades.

SOUTHERN COMFORT – 5/10

FOTO: media2.fdncms.com

KEANU’S BACK, FULL TIME

Keanu Reeves is one of the rare blockbuster actors that always knew his place when it came to role choosing. Always with his feet rooted into the ground, he chose to revive his career with ultra trashy male action „John Wick” three years ago and hit the jackpot.

In the second part of clearly a great franchise in the making there will be two distinctive parts of the storyline. First one will be forced out, slow and repelling, while the second one will represent one of the rare examples of perfect action genre.

And not to worry, there will be a third part ;)

„John Wick: Chapter 2” will reward you with some fine trash action, if you endure its first half.

JOHN WICK: CHAPTER 2 – 6/10

FOTO: static.gamespot.com

UTTER DISASTER

There is no nice way to put it, so I'll just say it loud: Ridley Scott is ripe for euthanasia. A man who once defined genres and made legendary franchises that educated entire generations is now killing his masterpieces one by one. Just if „Prometheus” wasn't enough, he gave birth to another retarded script that surpassed even its mediocre predecessor.

There isn't one good thing about „Covenant”. Not a single one. Not even  one good action sequence, or just a decent CGI. No. Everything is just so missing the point, that you'll laugh instead of being scared, or just end up being utterly frustrated. Script is practically non-existent, with „plot” being so lame and tragi-comical that entire flick becomes a self-parody right from the opening „I am your father” scene.

If the script was made for the people with special demands, what can be said about the acting? Even the otherwise reliable Fassbender is just drowning in sea of pretentiousness. His scenes in a double role are meant to be the best ones in the movie, but they end being the worst ones. Neutron storm, scene with the pipes, taming the aliens with breathing in their non-existent mouths, self-kissing, vomiting facehugger's embryos... Just plain AWFUL. All of this wouldn't bother me if Scott just came out in the open and went honest that he made a high end budget trash. No, no, he was serious, dead serious and that can't be forgiven or forgotten.

„Covenant” isn't just a worse „Alien” movie. It's the worse American blockbuster in this decade and maybe even in this century.

ALIEN: COVENANT – 0/10

FOTO: fanbolt-fanbolt.netdna-ssl.com

PROUD TO BE TRASH

Story about the giant ape living on the deserted island that manages to destroy helicopters and prehistoric lizards with only two legs and a tail isn’t something that can be viewed as a serious movie, so you shouldn’t view the newest addition to the famous script as one of those flicks.

No, „Kong: Skull island” isn’t trying to be serious. It doesn’t give the elongated foreword of the Peter Jackson’s iteration and it doesn’t waste any time. Action is violent, amusing and constant. However, even its intensity and some fresh moments can not hide the basic, retarded premise of every King Kong film made so far.

Nice touch will be the homages to its predecessors and famous movies of the  past („Apocalypse now” before all other), but the ending will also see the movie makers sinking into even more deeper trash movies crossover than ever before.

„Kong: Skull island” is a decently amusing trash blockbuster without any ambition to present itself into something more than it really is.

KONG: SKULL ISLAND – 4/10

FOTO: filmfutter.com

TAKING DOWN THE MASKS

There are movies that were made into what they are thanks to the limited resources of their creators, forcing them to compensate the lack of money, production and special effects. „Army of darkness” is on those sequels that brought all those things, but lost the connection to the first two parts, turning the entire concept into a teenage comedy. Sporadically, Bruce Campbell will make you laugh, but the overall sense will be quite empty.

„Army of darkness” signals the end to the entire genre in every major aspect.

ARMY OF DARKNESS – 2/10

FOTO: static.srcdn.com

ELABORATED, BUT DUMBER

Although disconnected from the first one when it comes to scripts, „Evil Dead II” will bring us more action, more money for the production and further advance of Sam Raimi's directing skills.

The story will be even more dumber than in the first one, but Bruce Campbell will carry the entire flick with ease of a freshly crowned trash star. Humor and irony will also step in, distancing the flick from its predecessor in the sense of seriousness.

„Evil Dead II” will be honored by the genre lovers, but not many more.

EVIL DEAD II – 4/10

FOTO: bh-s2.azureedge.net

DIRECTING FOUNDATIONS

Sam Raimi's franchise about the dead coming back to life went almost side by side with Romero's „Living dead” story and the parallels are unavoidable. „The Evil dead” will tackle the same situation horror layout, with young people being trapped inside the lonesome cabin in the woods, but with some weaker plots and action sequences.

However, Raimi will compensate the hollow script with his directing talent and trademark fast moving camera to create the tension and horror. As for the Romero, effects are really outdated, but also more gorish. Also, a whole new B-production star will be born with Bruce Campbell taking the male lead.

„The Evil dead” is one the flicks that made zombie trash horror genre.

THE EVIL DEAD – 5/10

FOTO: dreadcentral.com

TRUE TRASH GEM

FOTO: www.syfy.co.uk

Just when everybody was expecting a total slump of the innovative franchise ‘bout weather phenomena including sharks, Ian Ziering and his buddies managed to produce something that easily prove to be the best part of the saga.

Everything in „Sharknado 3” is on steroids: action, tacky dialogues, retarded plots, as well as different locations and production sets. Humor is really enthralling, so you will have a hard time establishing which line or scene are the one to be called the best. Finale is just so original, so the viewer is left breathless waiting for the fourth one.

„Sharknado 3” is a true gem for trash worshipers with little or no weak spots at all.

SHARKNADO 3: OH, HELL NO! - 8/10

WEAKER THAN THE FIRST ONE

FOTO: fansided.com

Ian Ziering's concept of tornadoes that suck up sharks and land them on innocent and unsuspecting citizens of USA made a huge impact on the underground trash community so the franchise was a logical follow-up.

However, following a unwritten rule, the second sequel was a bit of a flop, not taking the concept to a new level, just repeating the existing one on a different location (New York instead of L.A). Humor also falls behind, just occasionally reaching the level achieved in the first „Sharknado”.

„Sharknado 2” is weaker and less entertaining than the first part of the franchise.

SHARKNADO 2: THE SECOND ONE - 3/10

KEANU’S MACHETTE

Photo: Filmbeef.com

Keanu Reeves isn’t one of them big ones. Unlike many of similar actors, he never tormented himself with the ”golden boy”. And that’s totally ok. Mr. Reeves knows his place and he knows it well. That doesn’t mean that ex-Neo can resist the sweet temptation of mainstream trash that has plagued the big screen in past couple of years. 

To cut it short, ”John Wick” is Keanu’s ”Machette”. 

The storyline concept is a first, with death of a pet (!) as a catalyst for carnage of his retired hired killer against Russian mob. When you add some novelties like hitman-only hotel with special tokens and code of conduct, script is pretty decent for a trash movie. 

Action itself is pretty freshened up with headshot validation of every kill, as well as some far-eastern style close combat one-on-ones. Standard CGI blood spills are all over the place. 

Reeves tries hard to keep it cool, and succeeds in it during the major course of the movie. Supporting cast is solid enough, with Michael Nyqvist and Willem Dafoe leading the way. 

All said and done, ”John Wick” is the best Keanu's flick in years and a quality representative of its genre, but nothing more than that. If you love trash action movies and have a lazy Sunday afternoon clear of all house duties, this is a good fun for you. If not, feel free to miss it.

JOHN WICK - 5/10